Measurement doesn’t matter.
Take the shark within the toothless new film “The Meg” — the megalodon. She’s an enviable 75 toes lengthy. She weighs 100 tons. She’s had 2.6 million years of expertise as a species.
She additionally doesn’t fulfill. In any respect. After experiencing Meg, you’ll crack open your Little Shark E-book and name up Jaws.
“The Meg,” which sounds extra like an episode of “Seinfeld” than a fearsome creature function, lacks the phobia of Steven Spielberg’s 1975 traditional and the outlandish humor of “Sharknado.” It’s not enjoyable, it’s not severe, it’s not scary. It is silly.
The film is ready at an ocean analysis station 200 miles off the coast of China. Principally white folks work there. Go determine. It’s owned by a Jeff Bezos-like billionaire (Rainn Wilson) who needs to money in on the power, however by no means explains his genius plan.
When the researchers uncover that what they thought was the ocean flooring is definitely a layer of gasoline, concealing a secret space full of unfamiliar beings — reminiscent of a giant squid who commits a drive-by inking — the dunces poke a gap in it with their submarine. Out comes the Meg, a thought-to-be-extinct sea monster.
The Meg enters too quickly in director Jon Turteltaub’s movie, so there’s no suspense. The shoddy CGI animation seems to be like a TNT present on a Tuesday, not that of a $15-a-ticket cinematic film. I’ve witnessed extra compelling mackerel.
Meg’s supporting solid is equally as unbelievable.
One man, Jonas (Jason Statham), has encountered Meg earlier than on one other journey via the gasoline, wherein the beast apparently stayed put. Traumatized, he went to Thailand and stayed drunk. However the researchers beg him to return, and Jonas manly-mans his method via the brine.
Jonas’ love curiosity, a scientist named Suyin, is performed by Bingbing Li. Her efficiency is terrible. Li’s head may very well be trapped within the Meg’s mouth and she or he’d nonetheless categorical much less emotion than a US Mint tour information.
Other than a good seashore scene, wherein a whole bunch of individuals are splashing round within the water above the giant shark, unaware of the monster of their midst, “The Meg” tanks.