Even Beyoncé can’t stop Coachella from sucking

Even Beyoncé can’t stop Coachella from sucking

In case your social media feed was abuzz with snaps from the annual Coachella pageant this weekend, it most likely regarded like an idyllic gathering of the world’s most lovely folks, all residing their finest lives whereas watching the most important music acts on this planet.

However Twitter, Instagram, Fb and Snapchat are mendacity to you. It’s true that this weekend’s pageant featured a few of pop’s A-list, together with headline units from The Weeknd, Eminem and Beyoncé (whose set actually was all that). However for many attendees, Coachella is a grueling weekend that may depart you shattered, broke and probably struggling from a respiratory an infection. Right here’s why the pageant isn’t fairly what it’s painted to be.

The mud
Do you get pleasure from respiratory? Properly, the desert mud at Coachella will put an unceremonious finish to that. There’s nothing remotely glamorous about hacking up brown phlegm and desperately calling each pharmacy within the Palm Desert space to ask in the event that they inventory neti pots.

Newbie hour
The group at Coachella is especially younger, and which means having to dodge folks dabbling in narcotics for the primary time. At one level throughout a set by Brit-rockers Alt-J, a younger man got here as much as me and nervously requested me for “some type of tablet.” I used to be sorely tempted to provide him certainly one of my antihistamine tablets and ship him on his merry method.

Watching every little thing from miles away
Coachella’s so sprawling that until you’re keen to remain in a single spot all day — and have a camel-like capacity to go with out water — you’re not gonna be within the entrance and even the center on your favourite acts. Cardi B’s set was so well-attended that the gang stretched again for 2 soccer fields. At that time, you possibly can watch it with better readability on Periscope.

Visitors, visitors and extra visitors
Except you’re tenting, you’ll spend a number of hours of your Coachella expertise in a automobile. The incoming visitors to the location through the day is a significant buzzkill, however the feeling of being dehydrated, drunk, hungry and exhausted whereas caught in a car parking zone at 1 a.m. opens up an unimaginable netherworld of existential ache.

Celeb sightings (or lack thereof)
Good luck getting that fast selfie with the Biebs and Ri-Ri within the VIP part. All of the true stars are chauffeured round backstage and stored as far-off from the plebs as doable. So until you’re determined to get an image with the man who does sound for Portugal. The Man, you’re out of luck.

Conclusion: Should you’re going to Coachella simply to say you’re going to Coachella, then go to Coachella. If you wish to see some good music and never really feel such as you’re in an overheated dustbowl with 100,000 folks, simply keep residence and watch the livestream. You’ll be extra comfy, and there ought to theoretically be fewer bizarre folks asking you for medication.


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